Jiří Pallas – jsem ZDE.
Fred Williams is not Czech. It’s true that he was at one time a member of the world famous Navy Fighter Squadron 211, known as the „Fighting Checkmates“, as seen in the film Top Gun. During the filming, he mistakenly saluted Tom Cruise and got a wave in return, which prompted the then Petty Officer Williams to call the duty officer and report an intruder. Cruise was shot dead during the confusion, and replaced with a robot look alike who has gone on to a very successful acting career. Because of this, Fred believes he deserves the majority of the money the movie star has made over the years, but the courts disagree.
Fred was born in California, which explains a lot. He’s awfully thin, primarily because he eats too little and excercises too much. Some have said that he is neither exceptionally tall, nor exceptionally short. He only wears glasses when he wants to fool people into thinking he is intelligent.
In 1990, following a term in politics in California, which explains a lot, he came to Prague with only twenty dollars in his pocket and not speaking a word of Czech. He still has only twenty dollars in his pocket.
Fred’s hobbies include eating, drinking, and sleeping. Sometimes, he attempts all three simultaneously, with predictable results.
Fred has been drawing, painting, and making fine art prints since he was a youngster. At one exhibition, thieves stole his drawing of a bird. At another exhibition, vandals ripped an African mask off a multi-media installation he had created. In both cases, the exhibition was dramatically improved. Some day, Fred will be the Governor of California, which explains a lot.
With his background in politics and fine art, Fred is highly qualified for exactly nothing. His explanations of Czech grammar and vocabulary have confused students and casual acquaintances for years. His lack of knowledge about the Czech language is said to be unrivaled.
He was drawn to the Czech Republic by his complete ignorance of geography, history, and current events. After many years of living here, he has recently discovered that there is a large castle in the center of Prague. He hopes to visit it one day.
Most evenings, Fred can be found face down in the gutter vomiting. With the help of an implanted radio identification chip, the editors are able to find him in the mornings, when he writes his popular Fred’s Czech Mate entries for Slovodne.cz. Fred’s proudest achievement so far is to have eaten dog three times, twice in Korea and once in the Philippines. He once sent an email to himself in order to pretend to have friends, but no one believed him. He often lies to people about being from California, which explains a lot.