Knedlíky

Here’s my latest…dumping on dumplings.

I have discovered, after great trial and error, a way to respond to the dreaded question;
“How do you like the knedliky, Fred?”

I put on my most genuine face. “Of all the knedlik I have eaten in my life, this is by far the most recent.”

I admit to being in the ugly group of subhumans who don’t appreciate Czech dumplings.
I’ve tried to like knedliky. Really, I have!

Grannies have made it for me. Mothers have made it for me. Beautiful seductive women have made it for me. As far as I know, gay, bi, trans, and intra-sexuals have made knedliky and I’ve probably eaten it.

I’ve eaten knedliky in the finest restaurants, and in humble kitchens in the countryside. Hot knedlik, warm knedlik, cold knedlik. It’s been in my mouth, stomach, intestines, and colon.

I’ve eaten regular knedlik, potato knedlik, fruit knedlik. With and without drippings, oils, syrups, grated cheeses, sugars, salts and peppers, and every kind of sauce known to ancient and modern civilization.

I just don’t like the stuff. I’m sorry.

It’s the texture. Like wadded up and boiled white bread. Slimy when masticated. Easily permeated by surrounding liquids. Wet bread. Going from gooey to gluey.

It’s a bland, bloating experience for me. How I feel lumpen and heavy afterward, wanting only to curl up like a sick animal in a dark corner and sleep for hours.

So I avoid it when I can.

Still, Jirka has asked me to suggest improvements to this alleged food, the world-famous inedible Czech dumpling. What can I do but my very best, and worst:

Use a non-stick pan and high heat to toast thin slices of knedliky until it becomes a sort of pseudo English muffin. This might be then coated judiciously with jam to your taste. Basically, dry the stuff out until it’s toast.

Cut a freshly boiled loaf of knedliky lengthwise into thin strips, about 2 cm thick. Coat the knedliky strips in a mixture of ground cinnamon and sugar. Place them in a hot oven for five to ten minutes. Serve hot.

Slice fresh boiled knedliky diagonally, and toast on a non-stick pan. Make a 3 cm hole in the center of the toasted knedlik. Return the toast to the non-stick pan, and crack one egg yolk into the hole so the white of the egg spreads to the rest of the knedlik. Cook for three minutes at high heat, and turn. Cook three to five minutes and serve. Salt and pepper to taste.

I’m serious. I think this might make knedliky edible for me. Try it yourselves at home and see if I’m right.

Of course, it’s easy to invent ridiculous and improbable uses for knedliky…so I’ll do that too.

Mix fresh knedliky and grated selzer tablets into thumb size balls. Throw these selzer-knedliky balls to unwanted pigeons. Watch them explode.

If you live on a busy street, use knedliky to mold your own “speed-bump” in the road.

If you don’t have a bicycle helmet, use fresh knedlik and plastic bags to make your own. (If you have attempted this at home, please send pictures to slovodne.)

Perhaps you too have a great recipe for knedlik? Please post it in the comments!

17 odpovědí na “Knedlíky”

  1. Trebaze jsem Ceska, musim s Fredem souhlasit. Po cokoladovych vyrobcich znacky Orion a Figaro se mi v Americe styska, ale po knedlicich rozhodne ne.

  2. Try potato dumplings – knedlíky, with roasted duck, gravy and stewed red cabbage. The change of your opinion about this kind of meal will follow, l hope.

  3. Bramborové knedls má Fred vyzkoušené, prostě žádné nechce. Bude si muset dát kachnu s něčím jiným. Americké brambory?

  4. WARNING — This post contains: Humor, Adult Content, OPEN MASTICATION, and Knedliky. You’ve all been warned.

    Sam:

    Oh, Sam. Please, read it. It’s funny. Really. I promise. I’m desperate. You’ll be glad you read it. You’ll show it to all your friends and family. I’ll do anything. Tell you what, I’ll come over and clean your bathroom if you read it. Come on. Please…

    Iva:

    Thanks for your support and encouragement. Are you single?

    Krojc:

    (co to je, “krojc”?)

    Duck’s good. Like them stewed red cabbages too. Gravy? Yum. (Oh, yeah…’yum’ = “mnam”, I gotta learn more Czech!)

    Yet the knedliky sits lonely and uneaten on my plate. Sure, the sopping up quality of knedliky (sort of like what paper towels do, but not quite so efficient or tasty) is handy for glopping up the dripping duck fat and the stew juices of the cabbage.

    I appreciate the physics and ergodynamics of this. I don’t begrudge anyone their enjoyment of knedliky. Eat more, please! That way there is less for me. .

    Now this doesn’t mean that I won’t try knedliky (yet again).

    I can be persistent, in my fecklessly inconsistent way.

    Where can I find the very best roasted duck, stewed red cabbage, gravy (which kind by the way?) and (gulp) knedliky? Post links.

    In the interests of linguistic and culinary research, I will document the results here for academic and public inspection and replication.

    Where, please? Be specific.

    And, finally, I call on all you other silent sufferers of the knedlik totalitarians…

    Rise up against rising dough! You have nothing but your dumplings to lose.

    Dump the Dumplings!

    Fred

    (support the PLA. go to http://www.plarmy.org)

  5. To add to the knedliky controversy, here’s a song I wrote…I’ll record it on MP3 if enough readers ask me…

    “Knedliky”
    by Fred

    There’s one food I do not like
    Don’t make me take a bite a

    Kuhnid, kuhnid, kuhnid, kned-liky!

    Oh yeah I’ll try anything
    I’ll eat any food you bring
    Still there’s one thing I won’t eat
    Rather go and lick the street

    Kuhnid, kuhnid, kuhnid, kned-liky!

    Oh yeah everywhere I go
    Grannies gonna wanna know
    Why it’s dumplings I don’t like
    Please don’t make me take a bite

    Kuhnid, kuhnid, kuhnid, kned-liky!

    You can feed it to your mom
    It won’t do her any harm
    But to me it tastes like shoe
    With a consistency of glue

    Kuhnid, kuhnid, kuhnid, knedliky!

  6. About the very best roasted duck with red cabbage and potato dumplings please ask former German chancellor Herrmann Kohl or chef of former president Havel. He ate this delicious bird with described side-dishes during his visit of Czech republic several years ago and was simply delighted at its marvellous taste. A roasted duck is his known foible. By the way, compare this nonesuch meal with oil spongy chicken from KFC or McD. I wish this ghastliness to all turning their nose up in respect of dumplings.

  7. Pane Krojci, nabouchal si Herrmann do břicha tolik knedlíků, aby zapomněl, že je pokřtěn Helmuth ?

    Ostatně:Der Bundeskanzler Kohl geht mit dem Arbeitsminister durch die Fußgängerzone. Sie bleiben vor einem Schaufenster
    stehen. Der Bundeskanzler : “Also ich weiß nicht was Leute haben, das sind doch ganz normale Preise. Anzug 600,-Eu , Krawatte 80,– Hemd 50,–
    ” Darauf der Arbeitsminister : “Ähm, Verzeihung Herr Bundeskanzler, das ist eine chemische Reinigung.”

  8. Souhlasím se Samem, že se mi taky nechce číst o knedlících v angličtině, to je nějaká okurková( knedliková) sezona nebo co? Nicméně jsem se přinutila a je to docela vtipná pasáž o marném boji se zažitým předsudkem.(:

  9. Jsem zcela jistě občasná mimóza. Mohl bych se snažit zavtipkovat ve stylu: Herr Kanzler ist doch ein Mann, ale uznávám, že jsem si bouchl do pytlíku s moukou.

  10. Although a traditional Czech family, we only eat knedlíky about once or twice a year. Usually to the only Czech dish that does not go well with any other side dish, namely the svíčková (candle sauce?). The only member of the family who loves knedlíky is my little sister who does not miss any opportunity to order them when eating out.

  11. miluju (i love) knedlíky (knedliki) s vajíčkem (with scrambled eggs) mňam! (yummy!)
    i have already read it Fred. shall i tell you my adress?

  12. Sam!

    Didn’t you notice how shiny clean your toilet is? Haven’t you seen how sparkling the kitchen is too?

    I snuck into your house last night, (of course I know where you live…slovodne keeps comprehensive records on all its readers), did all the cleaning, and you don’t even notice? I’m hurt!
    😉

    Thanks for reading the article. Wasn’t it funny? Don’t you feel so much better now?

    I also dislike Brussels Sprouts (turpentine balls) and liver (tastes like rusty iron bars). I’ve never been too fond of most fast food really, and I’ve got the figure to prove it. I quite like sashimi, but cannot find the right ingredients here to make it myself, and it’s far too expensive in the restaurants.

    When I lived in Laos, I ate fried field rat, cockroaches, grasshoppers, and a very delicious soup made from ants. They were all better (to my tastes) than knedliky.

    But if any of YOU like knedliky, that’s wonderful. Great. I don’t mind a bit.

    I won’t ask any of you to try eating rat (though it was tasty) and you won’t tell me there’s something wrong (especially after trying it hundreds of times) with not liking dumplings!

    I love you all,

    Fred

  13. ok Fred. i could accept that you have already cleaned my flat but only in certain circimstances ……………… you will learn to love knedliki. promptly!

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